I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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