You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
