At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
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