I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
