I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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