my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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