Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
