Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
