I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
