You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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