god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
