i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
