So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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