if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
