i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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