Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
