By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize