When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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