im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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