You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
