Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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