Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
