just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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