In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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