I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize