You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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