I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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