Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
