mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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