I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
