i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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