My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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