I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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