Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
