i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
