i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
