There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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