nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I need a beard to bite.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize