I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
