You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
