my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
