Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize