Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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