Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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