I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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