go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize