Swine flu is the new snow day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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