Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
