I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
