I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
