Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
