how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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