Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
