the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
