five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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