She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
