if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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