I looked at my own cervix.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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