She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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