Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
