I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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